It's been an eventful week. I probably won't go into a lot of event details, because although there's been a list of them, they aren't at all interesting to you (take my word for it). BUT, let's just say that it's only Monday (Tuesday in about a min and a half) and I'm exhausted.
SO... One Tylenol3 with Codeine and one Trazadone later... here I sit, wide eyed and racing.
Let's start here... Saturday I woke up with swollen gums on the left side of my mouth. Last time that happened, it was Shingles. (Adult chicken pox... who knew?) I swished Listerine about 6 times that day, took an Excedrin every few hours, and tried to chew my food the best I could, hoping it wasn't the same thing.
Sunday I woke up completely unable to open my mouth, swollow, speak, eat... any of those necessary functions we all take for granted. After about 20 minutes of struggling with the intense pain (which had traveled to the roof of my mouth and behind my left eye), I decided it was inevitable... Another wasted Emergency Room day. This is no joke, people... A visit to the emergency room on post is guaranteed at least 4 hours, more if you have a sick child (no rhyme or reason to that one... just works out that way).
After 3 1/2 hours in an empty ER, the doctor walked in and announced they'd misplaced my chart and forgotten about me. I had taken a Xanax to survive the visit, because I was irrationally terrified they were going to inject me with things, so I had spent the entire 3 1/2 hours struggling to stay awake - I woke up over and over because I was falling out of the chair they'd parked me in. After a check-up with an attractive but extremely useless Special Forces guy (who never actually labeled himself as a doctor or anything of the sort), the real doctor appeared. A quick look in my mouth and he announced I needed to see a dentist for x-rays. He says it looks like a dental abscess which has gotten infected - No surprise to me, since I haven't seen a doctor since before Asher was born 3 years ago.
Sent on my way with a bottle of Acetaminophen, a bottle of Tylenol3 with Codeine, and a bottle of Penicillin, I went home to bed. There I have been, basically ever since.
Today was a better day (sort of), but I'm still in pain. I missed my therapy appointment (NOT GOOD, PEOPLE!) and found myself writing in my journal at 9:30 pm. (Why do I still make that mistake? I know if I write past 8 pm, I won't be able to stop until at least 3 am and I'll be a zombie the next day.)
TO THE POINT:
My mind is racing because I'm suddenly completely aware of how close we are to going home to Utah for good. This thought makes my stomach twist and jump like a swarm of butterflies I haven't felt since I met my husband. I'm downright giddy about going home. It makes me feel:
1) Nervous because there's about a zillion things to do between now and then, and I have no idea if I'll get them all done in time, and
2) Outrageously happy because I will finally be escaping the nightmare that is Kansas and re-joining my fellow Utahns in the land of NORMAL. (I know a LOT of people would disagree with that statement, but I'm referring to normal for ME, not normal altogether. No need to get all up in arms over it.)
3) Proud of us, for surviving it!!! Very few people believed we could (including me, I think), and somehow we have! Not without our set-backs, that's for sure... but now that it's so close, I know for sure we're going to make it through to the end. The contract we thought would never end is ACTUALLY GOING TO COME TO AN END. THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS HORRIBLE, DARK, MISERABLE, LONG, WRETCHED TUNNEL!!!
Now that I have this newfound hope, what do I do with it? I've got a monster list of things to do, including:
1) Magically finding a chunk of money we can use to get home when the time comes,
2) Selling our house in Abilene (nice house... bad market),
3) Finding a new place to live, a new job for Steve, a job for me, schools for both of us, schools for our kids...
I'm overwhelmed with the list of things to do in order to live once we get there, but most of all I'm excited! I'm excited because once I get there, Steve and I will finally have something in common! We will be living in the place we want to live, with our families and friends and careers and lives in front of us! In general we have the same goals when it comes to those things: same general area we want to live, we both want to go to school ASAP and acquire successful careers, raise our kids near our families...
Now I'm faced with the decision of when to come home. Steve's contract ends in April '09, 12 months from now. (See the countdown on the right!) He's going to do his best to qualify for a chapter in the Army which will let him out something like 30 or 60 days early... something like that. If that's the case, we could be out as early as February. Here's where it gets tricky. Do I:
A) Go home before Joshua starts school, so I don't have to switch him in the middle of Kindergarten? That's so much earlier than Steve gets out of the Army, I'm not sure either of us will want to be away from each other for that long... not to mention the kids being away from Steve (and Steve from the kids) that long. That would be 6-8 months apart before Steve could come home.
B) Start Aesthetics school at the American Academy of Beauty in Manhattan (that's Manhattan, Kansas, folks... not New York. I know, disappointing) in June. The program lasts 5 months, so I could go home to Utah in November when I finish that and have a marketable skill to go home with. Then I could find a job, find a house, get the kids in school and get settled before Steve got out of the Army and came home. Or,
C) Get a job working nights somewhere, saving every penny I earn, and go to regular college courses during the day (I can only manage one class at a time), on post, for free. Then I could go home in January and start getting set up for Steve to get home in February/March.
The ultimate goal is to go to school for a 4-year degree in English/History. I want to teach either/or/both... some combination of the two subjects. Aesthetics is something I'm interested in, but it would mostly just be something to help me pay my way through school for the 4-year degree. (Weber State, probably.) I guess I'm just driving myself crazy trying to think of which is the best course to get to that ultimate goal, while taking advantage of the time we have left.
If only it hadn't taken me the entire 3 years we've already spent in the Army to figure out what my actual plan for my future was!! But it did, and I'm just happy to finally have a goal in sight. :)
As Josh says, "Find the x that marks the spot and start digging." Wish I knew which shovel to use....
Showing posts with label Army. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Army. Show all posts
Monday, April 14, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
It's 1 AM, do you know where your children are?
For those of you looking for the post I texted about... it's not this one... scroll down.
It's 1:00 in the morning here, which feels like the deepest, darkest part of the night. My kids have been asleep for 5 hours, and will be up in 4. My husband fell asleep about 2 hours ago, and here I am... as wide awake as I ever have been, my mind absolutely racing. I'm an insomniac (in the loosest sense of the word), for which I am medicated... I even have meds I could take, I'm just tired of taking them. Sometimes I miss dreaming. Sometimes I'm just tired of taking pills. I used to take medication so rarely... only Tylenol for pain sometimes. At this point, I'm medicating for depression, ADD, anxiety, migraines, and lack of sleep... Sometimes I feel like my shrink should say to me when I walk through the door, "Would you like a little blood with your chemical?"
So here I am, trying to embrace the mind-racing. I spent the last 3 hours writing a list of things I want to do before I die. I always thought that was a pretty lame thing to do, and honestly I've never really felt mortal enough to do it... but the last few weeks have thrown me in a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions and questions. I'm questioning every aspect of myself, my family, my home, spirituality, love, purpose... humanity in general. I find myself completely consumed in thought, so totally that I don't remember much of what's gone on in my home for the last week or so. I'm completely preoccupied.
As I wrote my list of things to do before I die, I watched "How The Earth Was Made" on the History channel. Talk about a humbling experience! That show just about blew me away. Maybe I've been hiding in a cave my whole life or something, but I honestly was shocked at how short our time on Earth has been (and will be)... and how entirely we as a species are at the mercy of the elements. So there I sit, thinking, "What should I be doing with my VERY short time here on this great Earth?" If you're still reading this, you may be wondering if I came to a conclusion. You should know that I don't have a clear-cut answer for you. (Yet.. Maybe by the end of this rant/rave!)
I'll give you five things on the list, but the rest is just for me :)
I think I'm officially, entirely ready to move on from being their stay-at-home mom! That's a HUGE statement for me, because I could cry just thinking about leaving them in the care of anyone else (especially school)... but there it is. I think I'm actually ready to tackle my own life for a while. My children will ALWAYS be number one when it comes to my priorities... but it's incredibly important to me that they have a mother who feels really good about who she is and what she's done in her life, and that's not me right now. The only thing I've done with my life is BARELY graduate high school, survive 3 years of the Army wife life, cook, serve, and clean up after 3 boys. I'm beyond ready to get up in the morning, have a shower BEFORE 5 pm, and put on NICE clothes for work. I'm beyond ready to LEARN!!! I can't wait to get back in school and soak up what I've been missing.
I have absolutely taken advantage of the opportunity I've had to stay home with the boys. (In the best way.) I never could have done it if Steve hadn't joined the Army, which I know I curse every day of my life, but it really did save us from impending doom! Instead of thanking the Army that screwed us, though, I'll just thank my husband for having the guts. He's proven to be a much stronger person than I ever gave him credit for, and I've been reaping the benefits of his hard work for the last 3 years. (I've had to do it in Kansas, but hey... all of life is a trade-off, right Dad?) Suddenly we're looking at the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's getting brighter by the day. Steve officially has 13 months left in his contract (knock on wood!!!!), and it's all becoming quite clear that there's a LOT to get done in a short amount of time. With so much to do, I know it's going to go quickly for all of us, and if we survive it... WE'VE MADE IT. I don't know how, but somehow all four of us will be survivors of the military lifestyle (in KANSAS!!!) for an entire four years! I don't think I have to tell anyone I know exactly why that's a huge accomplishment for us, lol. We were never cut out to be Army folk!!
[This is the most rambling I've done in a long time, so I hope you're comfortable if you plan on finishing it. I have a lot to say and no real direction or purpose going on here.]
I've got about a zillion careers in mind for my life. I want to do so many things, and none of them really work together... so I go back and forth and all over the place with the subject. One day I want to be JUST like those guys on Ace of Cakes!! I totally want to learn to make incredible cakes. The next day I want to be an Aesthetician and own my own "spalon." (yes, that's what it looks like... a mixture of spa and salon. It's a term "they" use in that field.) The day after that, I'm completely sure... this is it, the end-all be-all, I want to run my own bed and breakfast. (This is a dream I've had for AGES.)
Currently, I want to teach English. I know I probably seem like the worst candidate ever for teaching (organizational skills and all), but if I know one thing it's the teenage mind. I'd love to work with that age group... high school-ish. I'd LOVE love love to work at Canyon Heights (or similar) someday. Plus, Mrs Bean showed me you don't have to be an organizational wizard to mold minds, and you don't have to color within the lines just because you're a teacher (or an adult for that matter). That's probably the best lesson she ever taught me (and believe me folks, there were a lot)! I'll never be able to repay the universe for bringing me Lou Bean. She's the one who looked at me when I got pregnant in high school and said, "This is just a detour, my dear friend. It will only take you off course for a moment." No sentence has ever affected me so much. I've treated this part of my life as such ever since. This is a detour, on my way to real life. I'm just slightly off course (no matter how off-course I get) from my dreams, and I'll get there. In the meantime, I got two of the most gorgeous children ever created!! Because of Mrs. Bean's faith, I've enjoyed every moment of them, knowing they didn't ruin my life one teeny, tiny bit. When I think of all the people who told me I was throwing my life down the drain by having a baby..! There are no words for how astounded that still makes me. I get shivers just thinking of life without my perfect Joshy. He's absolutely the first best thing that ever happened to me.
Anyway... so teaching seems to fit at the moment. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll be in the circus. But for now... I'm on a mission and I'm on my way. I'll be in school by this time next year, and I will be LOVING it and thanking the Lord all along the way. :)
It's 1:00 in the morning here, which feels like the deepest, darkest part of the night. My kids have been asleep for 5 hours, and will be up in 4. My husband fell asleep about 2 hours ago, and here I am... as wide awake as I ever have been, my mind absolutely racing. I'm an insomniac (in the loosest sense of the word), for which I am medicated... I even have meds I could take, I'm just tired of taking them. Sometimes I miss dreaming. Sometimes I'm just tired of taking pills. I used to take medication so rarely... only Tylenol for pain sometimes. At this point, I'm medicating for depression, ADD, anxiety, migraines, and lack of sleep... Sometimes I feel like my shrink should say to me when I walk through the door, "Would you like a little blood with your chemical?"
So here I am, trying to embrace the mind-racing. I spent the last 3 hours writing a list of things I want to do before I die. I always thought that was a pretty lame thing to do, and honestly I've never really felt mortal enough to do it... but the last few weeks have thrown me in a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions and questions. I'm questioning every aspect of myself, my family, my home, spirituality, love, purpose... humanity in general. I find myself completely consumed in thought, so totally that I don't remember much of what's gone on in my home for the last week or so. I'm completely preoccupied.
As I wrote my list of things to do before I die, I watched "How The Earth Was Made" on the History channel. Talk about a humbling experience! That show just about blew me away. Maybe I've been hiding in a cave my whole life or something, but I honestly was shocked at how short our time on Earth has been (and will be)... and how entirely we as a species are at the mercy of the elements. So there I sit, thinking, "What should I be doing with my VERY short time here on this great Earth?" If you're still reading this, you may be wondering if I came to a conclusion. You should know that I don't have a clear-cut answer for you. (Yet.. Maybe by the end of this rant/rave!)
I'll give you five things on the list, but the rest is just for me :)
- Write a best-seller.
- See the Canadian rockies.
- Get an degree in English.
- Teach.
- Thank these five people (in person) for their influence on my life: Mary Louise Bean (high school English and creative writing teacher and longtime friend, Viewmont High School), Mrs. Shmutz (7th grade English, Farmington Junior High), Mr. Bunderson (junior high American history and speech, Farmington Junior High), and Kris Burch (English and Psychology, Canyon Heights), Rosanne Uffens (secretary and friend, Farmington Junior High).
I think I'm officially, entirely ready to move on from being their stay-at-home mom! That's a HUGE statement for me, because I could cry just thinking about leaving them in the care of anyone else (especially school)... but there it is. I think I'm actually ready to tackle my own life for a while. My children will ALWAYS be number one when it comes to my priorities... but it's incredibly important to me that they have a mother who feels really good about who she is and what she's done in her life, and that's not me right now. The only thing I've done with my life is BARELY graduate high school, survive 3 years of the Army wife life, cook, serve, and clean up after 3 boys. I'm beyond ready to get up in the morning, have a shower BEFORE 5 pm, and put on NICE clothes for work. I'm beyond ready to LEARN!!! I can't wait to get back in school and soak up what I've been missing.
I have absolutely taken advantage of the opportunity I've had to stay home with the boys. (In the best way.) I never could have done it if Steve hadn't joined the Army, which I know I curse every day of my life, but it really did save us from impending doom! Instead of thanking the Army that screwed us, though, I'll just thank my husband for having the guts. He's proven to be a much stronger person than I ever gave him credit for, and I've been reaping the benefits of his hard work for the last 3 years. (I've had to do it in Kansas, but hey... all of life is a trade-off, right Dad?) Suddenly we're looking at the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's getting brighter by the day. Steve officially has 13 months left in his contract (knock on wood!!!!), and it's all becoming quite clear that there's a LOT to get done in a short amount of time. With so much to do, I know it's going to go quickly for all of us, and if we survive it... WE'VE MADE IT. I don't know how, but somehow all four of us will be survivors of the military lifestyle (in KANSAS!!!) for an entire four years! I don't think I have to tell anyone I know exactly why that's a huge accomplishment for us, lol. We were never cut out to be Army folk!!
[This is the most rambling I've done in a long time, so I hope you're comfortable if you plan on finishing it. I have a lot to say and no real direction or purpose going on here.]
I've got about a zillion careers in mind for my life. I want to do so many things, and none of them really work together... so I go back and forth and all over the place with the subject. One day I want to be JUST like those guys on Ace of Cakes!! I totally want to learn to make incredible cakes. The next day I want to be an Aesthetician and own my own "spalon." (yes, that's what it looks like... a mixture of spa and salon. It's a term "they" use in that field.) The day after that, I'm completely sure... this is it, the end-all be-all, I want to run my own bed and breakfast. (This is a dream I've had for AGES.)
Currently, I want to teach English. I know I probably seem like the worst candidate ever for teaching (organizational skills and all), but if I know one thing it's the teenage mind. I'd love to work with that age group... high school-ish. I'd LOVE love love to work at Canyon Heights (or similar) someday. Plus, Mrs Bean showed me you don't have to be an organizational wizard to mold minds, and you don't have to color within the lines just because you're a teacher (or an adult for that matter). That's probably the best lesson she ever taught me (and believe me folks, there were a lot)! I'll never be able to repay the universe for bringing me Lou Bean. She's the one who looked at me when I got pregnant in high school and said, "This is just a detour, my dear friend. It will only take you off course for a moment." No sentence has ever affected me so much. I've treated this part of my life as such ever since. This is a detour, on my way to real life. I'm just slightly off course (no matter how off-course I get) from my dreams, and I'll get there. In the meantime, I got two of the most gorgeous children ever created!! Because of Mrs. Bean's faith, I've enjoyed every moment of them, knowing they didn't ruin my life one teeny, tiny bit. When I think of all the people who told me I was throwing my life down the drain by having a baby..! There are no words for how astounded that still makes me. I get shivers just thinking of life without my perfect Joshy. He's absolutely the first best thing that ever happened to me.
Anyway... so teaching seems to fit at the moment. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll be in the circus. But for now... I'm on a mission and I'm on my way. I'll be in school by this time next year, and I will be LOVING it and thanking the Lord all along the way. :)
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