Happy St. Patrick's Day!

My boy scout!!!!

My Ash and me

Asher can't stand making serious faces.

I have so much fun with my guys!

I don't have any green clothes... so I settled for green eye shadow.

This is the LEAST grumpy Max has been all day.

Good morning, Irish Cream :)

When little boys say things like...

"I want to eat your head off, poopie-head."
or...
"I love you so much, I want to eat my head off."
...or when they're completely shocked that I think they should be brushing their tongue... after 8 years of brushing their teeth. (Apparently I never mentioned it. Oops.) 

After a few of those comments, you start to feel like a bad mom.
...until you're tucking them into bed and, after being kissed several times already, they call you back again just to say things like...

"I need to kiss your nose. Then you can go."
or...
"I love you so much, sometimes I can't fall asleep."

Hey, remember how we all had strep throat last week?

I went to the doctor today. She swabbed my throat.

"Well, it's a DEFINITE positive," she said, with wide eyes.

Don't worry, she sent me home with a stack of medical masks to wear and an unrealistic instruction to stay away from my children for the next 24 hours.

Asher has been acting strange, and I can hear Max coughing through the monitor.

Here we go again.

In Case Anyone's Wondering....

Yes, Asher started preschool today.

No, I'm not okay with it.

Yes, I only have one baby at home now.

No, I don't feel lucky.

Yes, he walked in bravely and waved, "Bye, Mom!"

No, I'm not happy he wasn't sad.

Yes, I'm whining about a successful first day of preschool.

No, I don't feel bad about being so ungrateful. I loved having my kids at home, and I don't like sharing them with other people. I want my little ones back.

Yes, I walked home from his school and almost died. I am out of shape and it is going to take a lot of getting used to.

No, it's not very far away. I'm just a wuss.

Yes, I blogged more about this at To the Depths.

No, I am not going to get out of my bed today. (At least I'm not crying all day like I did when Josh started school!)

Yes, I'll post pictures when I get some.

No, I didn't take any this morning. I am always running late, and this morning was no exception.

Yes, I know this post sucks.

No, I'm not going to fix it. I'm going to bed now.

Mother

I have lots of memories from when I was a child revolving around my siblings, and a few of my dad... Very few directly involving my mother. I don't know why this is exactly. My mom worked overnight at the hospital when I was a kid, but I know it wasn't every night - definitely part time. I remember very vividly sitting in my mom's bedroom watching Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers, with the volume way down low so she could sleep. I think I was preschool age? Perhaps Kindergarten. I'm convinced my mother was an active participant in my early life, but for some reason my memory didn't store many memories of her. Maybe because of how permanent and substantial she was... I didn't need to file specific memories because I was sure she'd always be there.

Much later than it should have, it occurred to me for the first time this week that my mother is not always going to be around. There will be a time when I will have to make a decision and do something in my life without my mama's direct influence. Yes, I know I'm twenty-five years old and this should have occurred to me much sooner, but that's just how strong my mom is. She's never showed enough weakness for me to believe she was mortal.

I have had the benefit of being the youngest (that's right, I'm finally old enough to recognize that it is a benefit) of six children in my family. This has allowed me to spend significant time getting to know my mom, soaking up all her help and knowledge. She is one of the smartest, strongest, most resourceful people I've ever known, and I am pretty sure there's nothing she can't do.

My mom, me - Halloween 2008

No, this blog isn't all just another way to charm the pants off my mom (although I won't pretend I don't do that sometimes). I am just coming to a place in my life where I have to face actually growing up.... that is, if I'm going to choose to accept this new-found knowledge that my mother is a human being who won't live forever.

This is where I want to shout, "No! I don't wanna grow up! I just wanna be a little boy and have fun!" Wait... that's Peter Pan. You know what I mean.

Some might say I'm already living the life of an adult. Maybe I am... Army wife for 4 years, three sons, a difficult marriage (almost divorce)... Maybe I already am an adult. Maybe we never feel grown-up? I always figured one day I would feel like the grown-up I had expected to become.

Now that I am someone's mother, the world is a different place. Anyone with children knows that life is a whole new experience when kids are involved. There's one thing they don't tell you, though, when you are issued your bouncing baby... a lot of things DON'T change when you have your own children. A lot of things stay the same, and you're forced to learn to balance the new perspective with the old desires. I have definitely not mastered this trick yet... and if we're being perfectly honest, we could probably all admit that our worst moments are based in those old desires. I think this is where a lot of marriages break down, too.

My beautiful mother-in-law Michele and sister-in-law Danielle

This weekend I spent Saturday with my mother and sisters, and Sunday with my children and mother-in-law. My mom is my hero, my mother-in-law is a Saint, and my children are my life. How I could ever live without any one of them in my life is a mystery to me! My beautiful Joshua, Asher, and Max have spent their short lives looking to me for their guidance and understanding, and I am so humbled to be given the opportunity to fill that role in their lives. Do I deserve it? I have no idea. But I know one thing - the opportunity was given to me for my own growth much more than for theirs. They are beautiful, strong, intelligent spirits all on their own, and they are teaching me.

As a Mother

People are always telling me things like, "You're such a good mom!"

Every time someone says that to me, while appreciating it immensely (it is definitely my favorite compliment), I always think, "Why do they think that?" Sometimes I even think, "How could you possibly know that?" when it comes from someone who hasn't actually seen my parenting in action. Honestly, no one can know who is a really good parent and who is not, because our best (and worst) parenting moments almost always happen in intimate (one-on-one) situations with our children at home.

I know that I am an overall good mother. I also know that according to MOST ideas of what a "good" mother does, I am a terrible mother. (See: The Bad Mother Manifesto. Unless you are extremely offended by the use of "language". If you can't handle a swear word or two, don't read it. But in my opinion you're missing out! If I could edit for you, I would, because I think everyone should read it, but I feel like she deserves to be linked to directly.)

As a Mother, I Am Bad At:

• Teaching my children basic academic skills. They are smart kids and have done a GREAT job staying on schedule with reading and everything, but I'm pretty sure that's all the fault of their natural abilities and teachers. Very little of that has come from me... and it's something that makes me feel guilty every single day. I have absolutely no idea how to teach them to read, do math, etc.
  
• Organization. I have absolutely no idea where to find important papers, birth certificates, social security numbers, etc. Every time I need to provide one for something, I have to search for days to find them. I have to contact a hospital every time I need their immunization records.
  
• Baby books. I'm no good at recording their stats, etc. Good thing I love to blog, or their entire childhood would be unrecorded!
• Patience. I lose my temper more than I want to, and I quickly jump to yelling when they're fighting with each other. Not really teaching them good communication skills, am I?
• Teaching social skills. While I'm a stickler (hate that word) about good manners, I'm awful at teaching them the basic social skills they need. Saying hello when spoken to, properly addressing someone... I've always been bad at those things myself...
• Family bonding time. We spend all day together, but sometimes I feel like we're lacking in activities that might make our family bonds stronger.
  
• Outdoor activities. I am terrible at getting my kids out to do anything physical! They don't watch a lot of TV or play a lot of video games, but they also don't do much with themselves that might promote coordination or sports ability... And we all know why not!
  
• Uncomfortable conversations. I am terrible when my kids come at me unexpectedly with things that make me uncomfortable. "How is the baby going to come out?" "What's that?" (pointing to my boob) "What's nursing and why will the baby do it?" "Hey, look at my penis!" Every time something like this comes up, I get uncomfortable and stumble over words that don't actually end up sounding like coherent thoughts.
  
• Many, many other things!
  

As a Mother, I Am Good At:

• Teaching my children equality. The concept of "all of life must be fair" isn't going to fly in this house, but I do try to keep things equal in the way that I treat them.
  
• Teaching my children to share. Of course we're still (always will be) working on this, so if my kid doesn't share with your kid, don't judge me for this statement! lol
  
• Teaching my children kindness. Asher struggles naturally with kindness, but I think I'm pretty good at helping him learn better ways to express things.
  
• Teaching my children manners. My kids have great manners!
• Keeping my kids clean, dry, fed and cared-for.
• Keeping my home a decently safe place for them to play. (Of course I have my weeks when I'm not so good at this, but overall my house stays decent. What, you didn't see it those days? Well then YOU have bad timing, my friend! :) )
• Routine. We don't follow a strict schedule around here, but the necessities are always about the same time each day, so they know what to expect. (Meal times, nap and bedtimes, play times, cleaning times, etc.)
• Hugs, kisses, and I love yous. I am REALLY bad at this with everyone else in my life, but with my kids, I have endless love to give out. I'll never quite understand how that works, but the minute I met them I knew I'd never run out. (For all the rest of you, sorry - you'll probably never hear me tell you I love you out loud or give you hugs. It's nothing personal... except that it makes me want to die when I have to express that kind of thing!)

Anyway... I had a point when I started this, but let's face it, I'm pregnant with my third kid. Entire thoughts aren't really my forte at the moment! I'll get back to this post when I think of a nice tie-up-the-loose-ends conclusion. :)