Mother

I have lots of memories from when I was a child revolving around my siblings, and a few of my dad... Very few directly involving my mother. I don't know why this is exactly. My mom worked overnight at the hospital when I was a kid, but I know it wasn't every night - definitely part time. I remember very vividly sitting in my mom's bedroom watching Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers, with the volume way down low so she could sleep. I think I was preschool age? Perhaps Kindergarten. I'm convinced my mother was an active participant in my early life, but for some reason my memory didn't store many memories of her. Maybe because of how permanent and substantial she was... I didn't need to file specific memories because I was sure she'd always be there.

Much later than it should have, it occurred to me for the first time this week that my mother is not always going to be around. There will be a time when I will have to make a decision and do something in my life without my mama's direct influence. Yes, I know I'm twenty-five years old and this should have occurred to me much sooner, but that's just how strong my mom is. She's never showed enough weakness for me to believe she was mortal.

I have had the benefit of being the youngest (that's right, I'm finally old enough to recognize that it is a benefit) of six children in my family. This has allowed me to spend significant time getting to know my mom, soaking up all her help and knowledge. She is one of the smartest, strongest, most resourceful people I've ever known, and I am pretty sure there's nothing she can't do.

My mom, me - Halloween 2008

No, this blog isn't all just another way to charm the pants off my mom (although I won't pretend I don't do that sometimes). I am just coming to a place in my life where I have to face actually growing up.... that is, if I'm going to choose to accept this new-found knowledge that my mother is a human being who won't live forever.

This is where I want to shout, "No! I don't wanna grow up! I just wanna be a little boy and have fun!" Wait... that's Peter Pan. You know what I mean.

Some might say I'm already living the life of an adult. Maybe I am... Army wife for 4 years, three sons, a difficult marriage (almost divorce)... Maybe I already am an adult. Maybe we never feel grown-up? I always figured one day I would feel like the grown-up I had expected to become.

Now that I am someone's mother, the world is a different place. Anyone with children knows that life is a whole new experience when kids are involved. There's one thing they don't tell you, though, when you are issued your bouncing baby... a lot of things DON'T change when you have your own children. A lot of things stay the same, and you're forced to learn to balance the new perspective with the old desires. I have definitely not mastered this trick yet... and if we're being perfectly honest, we could probably all admit that our worst moments are based in those old desires. I think this is where a lot of marriages break down, too.

My beautiful mother-in-law Michele and sister-in-law Danielle

This weekend I spent Saturday with my mother and sisters, and Sunday with my children and mother-in-law. My mom is my hero, my mother-in-law is a Saint, and my children are my life. How I could ever live without any one of them in my life is a mystery to me! My beautiful Joshua, Asher, and Max have spent their short lives looking to me for their guidance and understanding, and I am so humbled to be given the opportunity to fill that role in their lives. Do I deserve it? I have no idea. But I know one thing - the opportunity was given to me for my own growth much more than for theirs. They are beautiful, strong, intelligent spirits all on their own, and they are teaching me.