Can't sleep

I'm up because Asher can't sleep... He's got horrible diaper rash that hurts so bad he can't stay sleeping. I immediately pulled out all the tricks I learned from Josh... as soon as Steve got home from work today, I ran out to the grocery store to pick up Desitin and Neosporin. I gave him a bath, let him air dry, put on the cream, and put him to bed. When he woke up screaming, I knew instantly that was the diaper rash cry... I grabbed a diaper, wipes, Desitin, and rescued him from his bed. And you know what, I actually kind of miss rescuing him from his bed. I tried so hard to make him sleep through the night, and my mental health is definitely benefiting from that process, but I miss seeing my sleepy baby who needed me! I never thought I'd say that, because it was so horrible when he would only sleep for 2 hours/night... in 5 minute increments.

He screamed bloody murder, and I changed his diaper lighting fast... screamed harder... I sat down in my black rocking chair, Josh's favorite, and laid him on my stomach, his butt up in the air, because Josh needed that when his bottom was hurting him... I cuddled him and pat his back until he was almost asleep, and then I rubbed his cheek and his little eyes started drooping. I stood up and took him to the kitchen, hoping his soothed state would help him take some Ibuprofen... No luck. He refused in the cutest little way, nuzzling his nose into my shoulder. I put the medicine in a sippy with some milk, and off to bed he went with his sippy in one hand, his puppy in the other. His skyscraper eyelashes fluttered and his eyes closed, sleeping perfectly as I sang "Rock-a-bye Baby"... his favorite song.

I still sing him "You are my sunshine," Josh's old favorite, because it reminds me of my sweet tiny Joshy when he would sing along with me before bed. He won't sing that song with me anymore. Today he sang me "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and the ABC's... completely unannounced. And when he was finished he said, "You like that, little mommy?" I said yes, very much, and my sweet, perfect 4-year-old said "You like songs, Mommy." Yes, I do.

I'm on the verge of tears thinking of that perfect, sweet little boy. To think so many thought I should get rid of him! What a tragic, horrible waste it would have been to send him away to a different family. What we would have missed!!! It absolutely breaks my heart at the thought of it. He's so beautiful, with the most incredible heart and sweet spirit. I've never met another soul like him, and I doubt very many people have.

My Asher is similar. He's such a gigantic spirit in such a tiny body! He's got so much love and so much rage!! I guess you could say he's more like me than Josh is... in a terrifying way. I relate to his little mood swings, his passionate ways of showing what he wants and doesn't want. If only he could stay tiny forever!! I can't bare the thought of him growing up and dealing with the rage inside him. Who knows what we'll have to go through while he figures it all out. For now, he's my tiny little Asher baby... I know he's not a baby, he's almost 2 years old and he's starting to even fit the part. But I can't call him anything but my baby. He's such a sweetheart, like Josh sometimes. He'll give more kisses and hugs than any little boy I've ever seen! And in the next instant he'll come at you swingin, and you probably won't even know why. He knows, though. He loves songs too. When I sit down in the rocking chair at bedtime, I lay him on my arm like a baby and I say "Do you want to sing some songs?" He vigorously nods his head yes, with a tiny half-smile like mine. I ask him if he wants to sing "Itsy-Bitsy Spider," and he nods his head yes. When I start to sing, he does all the actions with me and at the end of the song ... "up the spout again!" he gets a huge grin on his face and makes a kissy face so I'll kiss him and sing another song. When we're finished singing songs I say "Let's go find your monkey!" (he sleeps with a monkey as big as him!) My sweet Asher says "where he go?" and shrugs his shoulders. I say "In the bed! Where's the bed?" and he points at his crib with a HUGE smile on his face and says "There!" (in a very non-distinct sort of way) When I lay him down, he pats his monkey on one side, pats his puppy on the other side, and nestles in for his last song. Never was there a cuter bedtime child.

Josh is a joy every moment of the waking hours. His bedtime routine is uneventful. He wants one story and then he turns over and says goodnight, with a hug and a kiss. He's always been such an incredible sleeper. Asher's sweet moments come in small spurts, and rarely during the day. LOL. His sweetheart side comes out in the limelight of a nightlight.

If only you could see it.