It's 1 AM, do you know where your children are?

For those of you looking for the post I texted about... it's not this one... scroll down.

It's 1:00 in the morning here, which feels like the deepest, darkest part of the night. My kids have been asleep for 5 hours, and will be up in 4. My husband fell asleep about 2 hours ago, and here I am... as wide awake as I ever have been, my mind absolutely racing. I'm an insomniac (in the loosest sense of the word), for which I am medicated... I even have meds I could take, I'm just tired of taking them. Sometimes I miss dreaming. Sometimes I'm just tired of taking pills. I used to take medication so rarely... only Tylenol for pain sometimes. At this point, I'm medicating for depression, ADD, anxiety, migraines, and lack of sleep... Sometimes I feel like my shrink should say to me when I walk through the door, "Would you like a little blood with your chemical?"

So here I am, trying to embrace the mind-racing. I spent the last 3 hours writing a list of things I want to do before I die. I always thought that was a pretty lame thing to do, and honestly I've never really felt mortal enough to do it... but the last few weeks have thrown me in a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions and questions. I'm questioning every aspect of myself, my family, my home, spirituality, love, purpose... humanity in general. I find myself completely consumed in thought, so totally that I don't remember much of what's gone on in my home for the last week or so. I'm completely preoccupied.

As I wrote my list of things to do before I die, I watched "How The Earth Was Made" on the History channel. Talk about a humbling experience! That show just about blew me away. Maybe I've been hiding in a cave my whole life or something, but I honestly was shocked at how short our time on Earth has been (and will be)... and how entirely we as a species are at the mercy of the elements. So there I sit, thinking, "What should I be doing with my VERY short time here on this great Earth?" If you're still reading this, you may be wondering if I came to a conclusion. You should know that I don't have a clear-cut answer for you. (Yet.. Maybe by the end of this rant/rave!)

I'll give you five things on the list, but the rest is just for me :)

1. Write a best-seller.
2. See the Canadian rockies.
3. Get an degree in English.
4. Teach.
5. Thank these five people (in person) for their influence on my life: Mary Louise Bean (high school English and creative writing teacher and longtime friend, Viewmont High School), Mrs. Shmutz (7th grade English, Farmington Junior High), Mr. Bunderson (junior high American history and speech, Farmington Junior High), and Kris Burch (English and Psychology, Canyon Heights), Rosanne Uffens (secretary and friend, Farmington Junior High).
   

I'm entirely caught up in the possibilities of my life. I'm feeling extremely grateful for the opportunities I've had and the ones that I know are coming to me... and extremely inadequate for what I wish I had already done with myself. If nothing else, at least I'll know that at some point I got exactly what I wanted: I was able to stay home with my little boys while they were young enough to entirely rely on ME. I've gone through so much more in the last few years doing that than I ever imagined I would, and it has by no means been easy for me. I'm not one for staying home!! I need to get out of the house, I was never meant for cleaning up puke and poo and talking about "potty" and "boo boos". It was just never me. That's the funny thing about kids... they bring out everything that you never thought you were, and then someday they'll scream it in your face that you were those things and it ruined their life. (I'm hoping and praying my kids won't pay me back for how harshly I judged my own mother.)

I think I'm officially, entirely ready to move on from being their stay-at-home mom! That's a HUGE statement for me, because I could cry just thinking about leaving them in the care of anyone else (especially school)... but there it is. I think I'm actually ready to tackle my own life for a while. My children will ALWAYS be number one when it comes to my priorities... but it's incredibly important to me that they have a mother who feels really good about who she is and what she's done in her life, and that's not me right now. The only thing I've done with my life is BARELY graduate high school, survive 3 years of the Army wife life, cook, serve, and clean up after 3 boys. I'm beyond ready to get up in the morning, have a shower BEFORE 5 pm, and put on NICE clothes for work. I'm beyond ready to LEARN!!! I can't wait to get back in school and soak up what I've been missing.

I have absolutely taken advantage of the opportunity I've had to stay home with the boys. (In the best way.) I never could have done it if Steve hadn't joined the Army, which I know I curse every day of my life, but it really did save us from impending doom! Instead of thanking the Army that screwed us, though, I'll just thank my husband for having the guts. He's proven to be a much stronger person than I ever gave him credit for, and I've been reaping the benefits of his hard work for the last 3 years. (I've had to do it in Kansas, but hey... all of life is a trade-off, right Dad?) Suddenly we're looking at the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's getting brighter by the day. Steve officially has 13 months left in his contract (knock on wood!!!!), and it's all becoming quite clear that there's a LOT to get done in a short amount of time. With so much to do, I know it's going to go quickly for all of us, and if we survive it... WE'VE MADE IT. I don't know how, but somehow all four of us will be survivors of the military lifestyle (in KANSAS!!!) for an entire four years! I don't think I have to tell anyone I know exactly why that's a huge accomplishment for us, lol. We were never cut out to be Army folk!!

[This is the most rambling I've done in a long time, so I hope you're comfortable if you plan on finishing it. I have a lot to say and no real direction or purpose going on here.]

I've got about a zillion careers in mind for my life. I want to do so many things, and none of them really work together... so I go back and forth and all over the place with the subject. One day I want to be JUST like those guys on Ace of Cakes!! I totally want to learn to make incredible cakes. The next day I want to be an Aesthetician and own my own "spalon." (yes, that's what it looks like... a mixture of spa and salon. It's a term "they" use in that field.) The day after that, I'm completely sure... this is it, the end-all be-all, I want to run my own bed and breakfast. (This is a dream I've had for AGES.)

Currently, I want to teach English. I know I probably seem like the worst candidate ever for teaching (organizational skills and all), but if I know one thing it's the teenage mind. I'd love to work with that age group... high school-ish. I'd LOVE love love to work at Canyon Heights (or similar) someday. Plus, Mrs Bean showed me you don't have to be an organizational wizard to mold minds, and you don't have to color within the lines just because you're a teacher (or an adult for that matter). That's probably the best lesson she ever taught me (and believe me folks, there were a lot)! I'll never be able to repay the universe for bringing me Lou Bean. She's the one who looked at me when I got pregnant in high school and said, "This is just a detour, my dear friend. It will only take you off course for a moment." No sentence has ever affected me so much. I've treated this part of my life as such ever since. This is a detour, on my way to real life. I'm just slightly off course (no matter how off-course I get) from my dreams, and I'll get there. In the meantime, I got two of the most gorgeous children ever created!! Because of Mrs. Bean's faith, I've enjoyed every moment of them, knowing they didn't ruin my life one teeny, tiny bit. When I think of all the people who told me I was throwing my life down the drain by having a baby..! There are no words for how astounded that still makes me. I get shivers just thinking of life without my perfect Joshy. He's absolutely the first best thing that ever happened to me.

Anyway... so teaching seems to fit at the moment. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll be in the circus. But for now... I'm on a mission and I'm on my way. I'll be in school by this time next year, and I will be LOVING it and thanking the Lord all along the way. :)