There Are Times

Even when you get everything you ever wanted,
There are still times
When that hole in your heart gapes wide
And dulls the lines

Between survival and resignation
Leaving you gasping for air
And wondering...
What's life lived for anyway?

Goodbye, Facebook (for now).

Steve and I are working on our relationship. He has been staying with us at my mom's house since his brush with death (as I like to exaggerate it) at the hospital about a month ago. We're trying really hard to work through everything, and it is taking a lot of work, sacrifice, and effort.

One of the sacrifices we're making for the greater good is facebook. We have decided facebook is not healthy for relationships (especially unstable ones), so for the time being, we're eliminating it. We are working through therapy and communication, and I think this is another huge step toward stability.

I just want to thank everyone who has been so supportive of us working things out. It isn't easy, and having the support of our friends and family is definitely helping a lot. Love to you all!

Milestones and Lounging Around

The last few weeks have been pretty eventful! Things have been happening so fast I haven't had a chance to record anything. So here's our month in review!


After Steve's brush with death at the hospital, he and I have been staying together at my mom's house and attending marriage counseling. So far it is going really well! It's amazing how life always finds a way to throw perspective your way. Blessings in disguise, I think they call it. :)


The boys planted seeds with my mom, cause it's that time of year!






Max is learning to like Tummy Time!


...and his Snoopy :)

My nephew Noah read to Max when he was crying, and cheered him right up! My baby loves to read!


My baby loves himself in the mirror. If you have a baby and don't have a Bumbo seat... you should definitely get one. I'm a fan.


Max learned to jump in his jumper, and I think it's one of the cutest things I've ever seen! He's so rarely happy, it's a huge thing when something entertains him!


Joshua lost his first tooth! Actually, this picture is out-dated because he has since lost a second tooth! Both front bottom baby teeth are gone now, but their replacements had already grown in behind them!


I threw this in cause I just think it's so cute. No milestone, just good times!



My boys are learning to be friends! They don't spend a lot of time playing or working together, so Steve and I are working on activities they can do to become better friends. This day they were doing homework together.


This is so rare! Look at my cute boys loving each other! They never hug, mostly Asher just beats on Josh... so this just might be my new favorite picture ever!!!

Best Songs Ever

I have two new favorite songs. Please, hear them both.



If You Asked Me, also by Meaghan Smith.

So What?

So What
Pink

I guess I just lost my husband
I don't know where he went
So I'm gonna spend my money
I'm not gonna pay his rent

I got a brand new attitude
And I'm gonna wear it tonight
I'm gonna get in trouble
I wanna start a fight

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na
I wanna start a fight
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na
I wanna start a fight

So, so what, I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't need you
And guess what, I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a fool
So, so what, I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight

The waiter just took my table
And gave it to Jessica Simps
I guess I'll go sit with drum boy
At least he'll knows how to sing

What if this song's on the radio?
Somebody's gonna die
I'm gonna get in trouble
My ex will start a fight

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na
He's gonna start a fight
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Yeah, he's gonna get in a fight

So, so what, I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't need you
And guess what, I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a fool
So, so what, I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight

You weren't there, you never were
You want it all but that's not fair
I gave you life, I gave my all
You we're there, you let me fall

So, so what, I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't need you
And guess what, I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a fool
So, so what, I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight

I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a fool
So, so what, I am a rock star
I got my rock moves and I don't want you tonight

If you're like me, you've heard this song a billion times, but never actually HEARD it. Welcome to Friday.

Over You
Daughtry

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Need You Now

In honor of the 160th day without Steve. And the fact that another Thursday is just around the corner.

Need You Now
Lady Antebellum

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now


Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

I just need you now

Ooo, baby, I need you now

Darkest Nights and Dim Mornings

You Were Mine
Dixie Chicks

(Press play on the music player to the right to listen.)

I Can't Find A Reason To Let Go
Even Though You've Found A New Love
And She's What Your Dreams Are Made Of
I Can Find A Reason To Hang On
What Went Wrong Can Be Forgiven
Without You, It Ain't Worth Livin' Alone

[Chorus #1:]
Sometimes I Wake Up Crying At Night
And Sometimes I Scream Out Your Name
What Right Does She Have To Take You Away
When For So Long, You Were Mine

I Took Out All The Pictures Of Our Wedding Day
It Was A Time Of Love And Laughter
Happy Ever After
But Even Those Old Pictures Have Begun To Fade
Please Tell Me She's Not Real
And That You're Really Coming Home To Stay

[Chorus #2:]
Sometimes I Wake Up Crying At Night
And Sometimes I Scream Out Your Name
What Right Does She Have To Take Your Heart Away
When For So Long, You Were Mine

I Can Give You Two Good Reasons
To Show You Love's Not Blind
He's Two And She's Four, And You Know They Adore You
So How Can I Tell Them You've Changed Your Mind

[Chorus #2]

I Remember When You Were Mine

Clarification

It has come to my attention that my last post made it sound like I was interested in that boy from the bar and was disappointed by his lack of interest in me. In no way was that what I was trying to say! I was only using that conversation as an example of my inability to have a normal conversation. I couldn't possibly be farther away from ready to start dating again! Just so we're clear. :)

How Is This Done Again?

So I've been out with friends 4 times since I had the baby. I always really look forward to it because my girls are amazing, it's really nice to feel free to talk to whoever I want to, and it's a MUCH-needed break from having 3 kids' needs constantly at the top of my list all week. Everyone always says "isn't it nice to have a break on the weekends now that your husband takes them?" Well, only sort of. The break is nice... but the rest of the week it's 100% me 24 hours a day for all 3 kids. So really I just have to save up EVERY little thing (like plucking eyebrows, shaving legs, paying bills, looking at myself in the mirror for the first time that week, etc) for those two days while the kids are gone. I don't actually get any time to just have a real break. I have, however, managed a couple of trips outside the house.

Each time I've gone out I have managed to make at least one conversation extremely uncomfortable. Example:

Last night, Speakeasy (bar/club), VIP booth with Natalie's friends from work.

Guy: You don't drink?
Me: Well, I have to go home to feed my baby tonight, so I can't drink even if I wanted to.
Guy: Um... do you mean, like... breastfeeding?
Me: Uh... yeah.
Awkward silence.
Guy: How old is your baby?
Me: 8 weeks.
Guy: Whoa, still really young. Is it your first?
Me: Third.
Guy: (shock) HOW OLD ARE YOU?? I mean, sorry, I just mean... wow.
Me: Twenty-five.
Guy: Wow. Three kids. I'm 25 too, but no where near ready for cleaning up mustardy poop.

Yeah. I went to a bar last night and ACTUALLY had a conversation about mustardy poop.

Turns out the guy is in college on his way to become a doctor. When Natalie and I stood up to leave he said, "Well, keep up the good work. Keep him on the nip!"

Keep him on the nip? And I can't even blame him for saying totally awkward things like "poop" and "nip", because I started it by bringing up breastfeeding within the first three seconds of meeting him. Where's a guy to go with that?

Moral of the story, I have absolutely NO idea how to act in public. I don't remember what people talk about or how to make small talk with strangers without bringing up my kids, my breastmilk, or my divorce disaster. Think maybe I need more therapy before recreational activities?

Yeah, I think maybe.

Who Says You Can't Go Home Again?

I moved back into my mom's house yesterday. (Well, to be fair, my brothers moved me in to my mom's house yesterday. Thanks guys!) I can't describe the experience... it was heartbreaking... and then it was liberating... and then it was heartbreaking again.

While I was packing I kept finding things that made me cry... I cried for hours, over and over... It was awful. Steve told me no when I asked him to participate in the packing and moving, so I was packing alone (until yesterday when my sisters and mom came to my rescue and helped me finish packing/moving). I used to think that having a baby (Asher) while Steve was in basic training was the hardest thing I was ever going to have to do. I was wrong. Packing up all of our memories, knowing I would never again get them out and put them up on our walls, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Then... after it was all moved out and I said my final goodbyes to my house... it felt better. This morning I woke up and I felt like I could breathe again. After 5 months of suffocating... I can breathe. It won't always feel this good, but for now I am liberated. I no longer feel that crushing feeling that maybe he'll come back. I know he's not coming back, and I know my new life has begun. I just need to figure out what to do with it.

Fun House
Pink

(See the music video here.)

I dance around this empty house
Tear us down, throw you out
Screaming down the halls
Spinning all around and now we fall

Pictures framing up the past
Your taunting smirk behind the glass
This museum full of ash
Once a tickle, now a rash

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, fun

Echoes knocking on locked doors
All the laughter from before
I'd rather live out on the street
Than in this haunted memory

I've called the movers, called the maids
We'll try to exorcise this place
Drag my mattress to the yard
Crumble, tumble house of cards

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, fun

I'm crawling through the doggy door
My key don't fit my life no more
I'll change the drapes, I'll break the plates
I'll find a new place, burn this sucker down

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, da, da, da, da

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(9, 8)
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(7, 6)
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(5, 4, 3)
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(2, 1)

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down

A New Year... A New Attitude?

Last night I spent my very first holiday without my husband. Well, that's not true... there were a few holidays we spent apart because of the Army, but this was the first holiday my husband chose to spend away from me.

I spent a couple of days extremely depressed about it.. feeling very sorry for myself because I knew I was going to have to count down 3-2-1 wondering if my husband was giving someone else a New Year's kiss. I still have no idea... although I'd like to believe he is telling the truth when he says he didn't. But the fact is, he chose to spend that moment with other people, so I will never know for sure.

I spent last night with my very best friends (Except Kate and Jenn didn't come. Sad!) who did their best to help me get through it with a smile on my face. It almost worked! Most of the night I was smiling, happy to be with people who love and appreciate me. That moment was every bit as hard as I expected it to be... the one where I had to hug my girl friend instead of kiss my husband at Midnight... but I survived.

Some pictures of me surviving:

Natalie, Andrea

Me, Natalie

Jamie, Natalie

Jamie, me, Natalie

Natalie, Jamie, me, Brandi, Andrea

Fish bowl! Jamie, Andrea, Natalie, Sean

Andrea, Natalie, me

Jamie, me, Natalie

Natalie and me

Natalie, Me

Me, Jamie


I woke up this morning with a new attitude. I'm hoping I can make it last longer than the first day or two of 2010! I decided that I have wasted an entire year tortured over what my husband thinks of me. I decided I'm tired of wasting hours and days and weeks crying over someone else's opinion! Someone who is clearly not concerned with my opinion of them. I decided I am ready to start over... be my own person. Live my own life. Spend my energy on ME instead of someone who is never going to benefit from it. I am going to learn to be someone I can respect and my boys can respect and look up to. The weeping mess I have been is not a memory I want them living with.

I don't want to move on with my life without my husband. I don't want to be a single mother of three children. I don't want to be plain old Aubrey Miller without the Ortega. But I don't have any other option... so I might as well be the best Aubrey Miller I can, right? (Am I convincing you or me at this point? I'm not sure.)

There will be days when I get weak and feel like it's too much. Most days will probably feel like that. There will be days I'm still a weeping mess. My goal is to have a few less of those days each week... until I'm no longer a mess at all. I wish I knew how long that would take.

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope the next year treats everyone better than the last one. As far as I can tell 2009 was cursed, and I am beyond overjoyed to let it go.

Wreck

Me in one word?

Wreck.

Since we've been home from the hospital, I have gone on a roller coaster like I could only have imagined. I have no idea how I'm still holding on... Necessity, I guess.

I have had a terrible time adjusting to a new baby around. I completely forgot how much they suck the life out of you... and what a disaster! Babies require such a mess to sustain. Not to mention the exhaustion. I am so unbelievably tired. Most of the time I can't keep my eyes open.

My marriage has somehow gotten even worse... Every day I say to myself, "This couldn't get worse." But it finds a way. I guess I shouldn't say "my marriage" anymore... It's my divorce, I guess. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around that.

Divorce is ugly. No matter how much you hate being married... I promise you, divorce is uglier. It smothers you and turns everything inside out until you want to crawl in a hole and hide out for the rest of your time here on Earth. Everyone tells you divorce is awful, but no one could possibly describe just exactly how horrible, how consuming, how suffocating. You truly don't understand until you've felt it yourself.

My baby Max is a perfect little angel... He's still so tiny (about 6 lbs) and sleeps a lot (as long as I'm sitting upright, holding him!) and I am still blown away by how much I love him. I remember after Asher was born being shocked that I really could love another child as much as I loved Josh... and it's still true. No matter how much you think you couldn't love anyone else as much as your children... if you make another child, you'll love that one just as much somehow. I guess there aren't really boundaries to love... you don't really run out.

Which is exactly what makes divorce so hard. No matter how wrong you are for each other, no matter how much the other person has hurt you or disappointed you... you never run out of love for them. How do you walk away from the person you love the most? Even if it is in your best interest?

I still have no idea... and yet, I'm in the process of it.

I wish I had a more positive direction to take this post... but that wouldn't be in the spirit of brutal honesty, now would it?

Guilt and Mourning

I haven't blogged in ages. Or read anyone else's blogs... I have basically been MIA for the last two months. I can only partially blame it on the fact that I don't have internet at home, since I spend several hours a week at my mom's house where there is an internet connection for my laptop...

Mostly it's because I haven't been able (willing) to blog about what's real in my life.

Without talking about what's real I don't see the point in writing... My blog is a place for me to be 100% myself, 100% real with the world... without that ability blogging feels pretty useless.

So here it is. For those who are still reading... and all those who have asked me what's wrong. And for my own sanity...

Reality.

My husband moved out September 2, 2009.
He's not moving back in.
No, I'm not okay.
No, I'm not suicidal.
No, I don't want to list the reasons for the separation. We have done absolutely everything we can manage to try to pull this thing through this, and it's just not something we can bring back to life.

It has been six weeks, and I am starting to feel a little less like I'm drowning and a little more like a human again... most days.

Now you know. It's out there. Now it can be real and I can come back.

How is that possible?

In one month and three days Steve and I will have been married for 3 years. Seriously?? 3 years?? Holy moly that went fast.

"I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even
marry you because I loved you. I married you because you
gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults.
And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect
people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage.
And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that
protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that promise."
-Thornton Wilder

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always
with the same person."
-Mignon McLaughlin

"Why is it that people get married?
Because we need a witness to our lives.
There’s a billion people on the planet.
What does any one life really mean?
But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything…
The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things,
All of it… all the time, every day.
You’re saying, “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.
Your life will not go unwitnessed - because I will be your witness.”
-"Shall We Dance" 2004

"Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside."
-Frank Pittman

"Divorce is like an amputation. Sometimes it's necessary but it should be
avoided if at all possible because it brings about a permanent disability."
-Bill Doherty

As for his secret to staying married: "My wife tells me that if I ever
decide to leave, she is coming with me."
-Jon BonJovi

"Even with all its problems, I will support marriage as an institution
until something better comes along."
-David Blankenhorn, Institute for American Values