Me in one word?
Wreck.
Since we've been home from the hospital, I have gone on a roller coaster like I could only have imagined. I have no idea how I'm still holding on... Necessity, I guess.
I have had a terrible time adjusting to a new baby around. I completely forgot how much they suck the life out of you... and what a disaster! Babies require such a mess to sustain. Not to mention the exhaustion. I am so unbelievably tired. Most of the time I can't keep my eyes open.
My marriage has somehow gotten even worse... Every day I say to myself, "This couldn't get worse." But it finds a way. I guess I shouldn't say "my marriage" anymore... It's my divorce, I guess. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around that.
Divorce is ugly. No matter how much you hate being married... I promise you, divorce is uglier. It smothers you and turns everything inside out until you want to crawl in a hole and hide out for the rest of your time here on Earth. Everyone tells you divorce is awful, but no one could possibly describe just exactly how horrible, how consuming, how suffocating. You truly don't understand until you've felt it yourself.
My baby Max is a perfect little angel... He's still so tiny (about 6 lbs) and sleeps a lot (as long as I'm sitting upright, holding him!) and I am still blown away by how much I love him. I remember after Asher was born being shocked that I really could love another child as much as I loved Josh... and it's still true. No matter how much you think you couldn't love anyone else as much as your children... if you make another child, you'll love that one just as much somehow. I guess there aren't really boundaries to love... you don't really run out.
Which is exactly what makes divorce so hard. No matter how wrong you are for each other, no matter how much the other person has hurt you or disappointed you... you never run out of love for them. How do you walk away from the person you love the most? Even if it is in your best interest?
I still have no idea... and yet, I'm in the process of it.
I wish I had a more positive direction to take this post... but that wouldn't be in the spirit of brutal honesty, now would it?
2 comments:
aubrey - i'm sure you know i've been through a divorce as well. for me, it was the most liberating feeling in the world. it was like i finally felt free and it really taught me a lot about who i am as a person. maybe it was different for me because i never truly loved my ex husband - and we (luckily) didn't have any kids. going through what i went through made me a stronger and even more assertive person, though i wouldn't wish it on anyone else. it may take time for you, because i know not every situation is the same, but you will find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. once i found Jesse (my husband), i realized what true love really is. he treats me the way i deserve to be treated and i know you'll find that too. if you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to email me!! (kat_sprkles@hotmail.com or on fb) I've been through a lot of the same things, and maybe i could help. just talking is therapeutic. I wish you the best and hope you're starting to feel better.
-katie
I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. They're going to get better - I promise. This time next year the awfulness of today will be a distant (somewhat) memory. Hang in there, it's things are going to improve. xoxoxo
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