This morning I slept through my consultation with the pediatrician. She shows up every morning to talk to me about his progress and tell me what the next steps are. This morning she knocked on my door and I slept right through it.
I went in to talk to the nurse. She's new; I've never met her before. She works at IMC NICU usually, so she's not regularly here. She says she thinks he's ready to go home tomorrow, but we'll call the doctor to find out for sure.
The doctor said Max lost weight last night, so we've moved backward a day. We'll be here at least three more days, and it will be longer if he doesn't gain weight every single day. He has to have three consecutive days of gaining before he can go home. It was only 10 grams he lost, but apparently any loss is a problem, so here we sit. Until at least Friday.
I'm losing my mind. I'm actually losing it. Besides dealing with the personal emotional stuff in my life (divorce, personal heartbreak, etc.), I am "recovering" from major surgery, and my baby is stuck in the NICU and doesn't appear to be getting out any time soon. I have no idea how I'll survive even one more day here in this tiny room staring at these white walls with no windows. I miss my kids so bad that even the thought of them makes me break into tears. I know I should be calling them to say good night every night, but just thinking about it makes me cry, so I know I would break down on the phone and I don't need to make them worry about me. The nursery nurses are starting to question my ability to care for Max because I'm so emotional. They've seen me cry three times in the last three days, and they're all visibly worried about me. No doubt they'll sick the social worker on me soon.
I need to go home.
2 comments:
I would go crazy too....can't you go home and stay and pump? even for one day? maybe just to get out? I'm sure you want to be right by him, but I would definately need to get out a bit...that's hard. Where I work it's so hard for moms to stay when they have other kids at home, so a lot of them go back and forth..however you probably aren't able to drive yet, so that may be hard...
and i'm sorry...I didn't realize that you two were divorcing...that is extra stress...grrrr....hang in there....so hard when babies are born early....do they want him to stay until his due date?
They're just making us stay until he has gained weight for 3 consecutive days. Since he lost weight last night we have to start over at day one again.
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