As some of you know, Steve and I are going through a series of weekly marriage therapy sessions. Our therapist is helping us figure out what's at the bottom of all the pain and resentment we have now, so we can work to eliminate that and have a successful, healthy marriage in the future. We have declared that we want to be together, so she's teaching us how to get there.
Some of you right now are thinking, "Well duh. I know where the hurt and resentment comes from." I'm here to tell you that you don't. I'm learning through therapy and intense internal interrogation that I am to blame for MUCH of the anger and pain Steve and I have both experienced over time. We are each to blame for different things that have happened between us (and other people), and we have both caused each other significant suffering over the course of our 5-year marriage.
My therapist and I believe one of the things I can do to help the healing process is to own up to my side of the damage. In the depths of my pain, I expressed to some of you the things Steve had done that hurt me, especially in the end when I was alone and needed to release the pain inside me. Steve has kept his pain mostly to himself, not blabbing my secrets to anyone, swallowing his suffering and letting me keep my "image" in tact. While I still don't believe the specifics of what we have each done over the course of things should be public knowledge, I do believe the uneven blame that has been laid on Steve is unfair.
I want those out there who have come to a judgment in their own minds about who and what my husband is, and the things he's done, to put away their image of him and begin a new one - because he and I have both hurt each other in the same way, and we are choosing to heal and start anew.
I love him dearly and hope he knows what he means to me. He has always been the love of my life, but he is now and always will be in the depths of my soul, the guide I was given in this life, the other half of my unbalanced self. And I am not faultless.
Thank God I have been given a second chance at being the kind of woman I have always known I should be.
7 comments:
I think you're doing so great hun! I know I don't know anything about what has happened between you and Steve, but what I DO know is how very hard this all must be for you. Good job in your genuine efforts towards true healing. You're so strong! Keep up the hard work.
And I think you and Steve are just fabulous :) Love you both!
If you can both look inwardly for the source of the problems in your relationship, then I'm very confident you'll be able to build a happy and rewarding future for each of you as individuals and you'll set a great example for your kids.
I'm proud of both of you for putting forth the tremendous effort it takes to admit your own share of the problems and do whatever it takes to find real solutions . . . solutions, not band-aids, or temporary whitewashes that come off in the storms of life.
I don't remember these exact words "in sickness and in health, for better or worse, 'til death do you part" being said in your marriage vows but it's obvious that you both understand the concept and the character that is built within you when you stick to it instead of running away.
I'm reminded of Shakespeare's Sonnet 116:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Wow. Those might be the most grown-up things I've ever heard you say. You are so brave!!! You two seem to be well on your way to a happy marriage; you have both seemed different to me lately. Great job with all the work you're doing. It will be worth it!
Dad, that's beautiful, thank you. Natalie, I suppose I should speak the way I am in my head more often... I don't often portray my thoughts the way they are inside my head. If this is the most "grown-up" thing you've heard from me, I haven't portrayed myself accurately.
Aubrey - I really, really admire you and Steve. You guys are a beautiful example. We ALL have our issues, but few can admit, face and deal with them. I see in the future the two of you being able to help other couples through this kind of thing. Wow ... really proud of you!!!
Good for you Aubrey!! I am happy for you and your family... You deserve happiness esp if you are willing to try!!!
wow, this just gave me the chills! :) you are awesome and I'm so glad you are happy and working through your issues.. trust me we ALL have them and I think you are amazing to be able to talk about them on your blog.
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