My 1-Year-Old

Thanksgiving 2009

It's 3 am and I desperately need the sleep, but I can't stop thinking about my Max's birthday.

The last year has been such a roller coaster (that seems like such a mild word for what I'm trying to say)... it's hard to describe it, but I feel like I only got 6 months with Max.

First of all, I remember very, very little about when he was born. The c-section was planned because of the complications we had last time, but he came earlier than we expected, and landing in the NICU was a gigantic shock for me. I knew it was a possibility, but I really had high hopes because I was so gigantic... I was sure he was an 8-lb baby already!

See? Huge.

The NICU (special care nursery, I should say) was everything I thought it would be and worse. They were always poking him with needles, he was tiny and terrifying in that special bed, and I wasn't allowed to touch him for way too long. Then when I finally was able to hold him, it was rare, until he was finally able to breastfeed... and then all he wanted was food. :)

But the NICU was also nothing I thought it would be. The nurses were amazing, the doctor (who we still use because she's so great) was amazing, and (even though I was suffocating to death) I will be eternally grateful for the room they let me stay in so that I wouldn't have to go home without my baby. They let me stay for 14 days! I'll never forget one of the nurses (her name is fuzzy to me now because I was on so many drugs - percocet, etc -  at the time...) who really talked to me and made me feel like it was ok that I was a complete and total wreck. She reminded me that I was going to turn back into a human someday, and she was always trying to help me in any way she could. I wish I could remember her name, but like I said... I don't remember much. The C-section left me in a lot of pain, and I was also on medication to help jumpstart my breastmilk supply, so I was pretty drugged up during that time. I couldn't remember from minute to minute what was going on, and I was constantly dizzy.

(Tip for women): About a week after Max was born, I decided I was sick of being dizzy and not being able to stand up, or help my baby, or remember from minute to minute. I stopped taking the meds except for 800 mg of Ibuprofen, and I was a million times better! I was still in pain from the c section, but I was so much more grateful for a clear head, it didn't matter.

Anyway, the day we got to go home from the hospital will always stick out in my mind as the best day of my life. That was the day I actually felt like I had a baby, and I finally got to go home to see my other sweet boys. Two weeks is way too long to be away from your kids!

Most of you know that at that time, Steve and I were split up, so it's a very uncomfortable time for me to remember. The memories get mixed together and I end up thinking about the pain of our breakup, but now that I've got some perspective on the situation, I am so grateful that Steve was able to be there in the hospital with me. He was there for the delivery and wouldn't take his eyes off our baby (and his monitors) until he had to go back to work (and even then, he'd check on Max before he could come to bed). It's hard to feel grateful for that time because so many difficult, painful things were going on, but I am very lucky that I had Steve there with me. And now that we're back together, we are especially glad we were willing to stay together in the hospital during that time and share that experience.

The next six months after Max was born were a mixture of exhaustion, frustration, postpartum depression, divorce paperwork, and finding out Max was starving. At 7 months he weighed only 10 lbs and we thought he had some sort of life-threatening disease. It turned out he was just starving because he was allergic to my breastmilk, so he threw up everything he ever ate. When we finally found a formula that worked (ask me about this if you have a baby with a difficult tummy, it was a long process, so I know a lot about it!) and he started eating baby food, Max immediately gained a ton of weight. That's when it felt like I really got my Max.

Max - 8 months

He's a totally healthy, chubby baby now, and I am so in love with his fatness! I'm sad he's going to learn how to walk and then get all skinny from running around. :)  Every time I look at him and he smiles at me with those giant cheeks, I remember that it's a miracle he's here at all, and I thank the lord that he didn't starve to death.

I made a video of his first year for his birthday, so I'll post it here when I figure out how to convert it to a small enough size for the web. I would love for you to remember his first year (which feels like six months) with me. It has been a wild ride, and many of you have stuck with me for the entirety of it. On behalf of my little one, thank you for being there and keeping me going, and I hope you'll stick around for more Max years to come.