I wake up in the morning, feed myself a piece of bread or plain frozen waffle (anything tasteless), feed my kids breakfast. Steve and I hang out for about an hour before he goes to work. Then he leaves and I spend about an hour catching up on all my friends' blogs (and posting to my own if I have anything to say).
Usually I love every minute of this blog-reading process. I love blogging and seeing everyone else's lives... I love that I don't have to have the time or energy to see everyone to be updated on their lives. Usually reading other's blogs keeps me in perspective when I start to get depressed, because it reminds me that everyone is struggling with something. I am definitely not alone in my struggles these days.
Lately, though, I've had a hard time holding on to that perspective I'm referring to.
Steve and I left the Army 6 months ago with just a hope and a wish, fingers crossed that we might find work and a place to live when we got back to Utah. We knew whatever we found when we got here wouldn't be anywhere near the stability or space we had in the Army, but we were excited to start the adventure because at least we would be FREE. And home! Being in Utah near our families was all we really wanted, everything else would just be bonus.
I guess you could say I'm starting to lose track of the feeling that our tiny apartment and Steve's job that he hates are "bonus". Spring is when everyone starts showing off their houses and new things, their improvements... I've got several friends with beautiful homes of their own, new babies in full-size nurseries complete with matching little furniture and paint on the walls. Even backyards to play in, grass... Kitchens big enough for more than one person to stand in, and enough bedrooms for the children they have.
Mostly I am just grateful for what I have! Most of the time I am aware that the fact that I have a place to live at all is a miracle, and Steve working is more than a lot of people have these days. Most of the time I know that our lives are better than they were in the Army because we have family to share our time with now, and nothing is just "temporary" until the Man decides we should move on. I know these are incredible blessings, and most of the time I am thanking the Lord for the opportunities we have been given.
I'm even grateful for our time in the Army. Though we hated every minute of it, especially Steve because he was the one who had to do it, we were lucky to have had the opportunity to do something that kept us from being homeless with two little boys. My husband is an incredible man with the ability to take a situation, find what needs to be improved, find a way to improve it, and just do it - enjoyable or not. I respect this about him so much! You could say that is my biggest weakness. I am terrible at problem-solving, especially if the solution includes something unpleasant. I do what I need to do for my children, but beyond that I'm not much of a sacrificer - at least not without a fight and a lot of whining.
My husband saw that we were 18 (Steve) and 20 (me) years old with absolutely nothing to stand on, a 2 1/2 year old little boy and a baby on the way. He saw that we were about to be homeless and wanted nothing more than to be married to each other, so he joined the Army without thinking twice about how difficult it would be for him. He knew the Army wasn't for him, but he did it anyway so that we could be married and have our baby with insurance and a safe place to live. I am so grateful for this, and I know the Army was our salvation from even greater pain and poverty. The Army doesn't pay the best, it is restrictive and unpredictable - all the things I hate most in this world. But it is there in the background for people like us who have no skills and no education but need to support a family.
After an entire year of basic training and AIT, living apart for the first entire year we were married, after having a baby without my husband there, after recovering from a c-section and learning to breastfeed without a husband around, we got put in Fort Riley, Kansas. The absolute most boring, miserable wasteland in America. But! We got to stay there our entire contract, and never once faced a deployment. What an incredible blessing! Although we thought we wouldn't survive the boredom, we got to live together in the same house, with no fear of my husband dying overseas, for three years. Then, we got to come home, a fully-functioning family - never without a home or food on our table.
These things I am extremely grateful for!
However, it is still difficult for me to see all my friends from high school thriving.
Homes of their own.
Two-car families.
Graduating college!
At the moment, the nurseries are the hardest for me, because we moved into this two-bedroom apartment (complete with a 1-year lease) at exactly the same time as we found out about the new pregnancy. I have no idea where I'll put my baby when he/she is born, and my boys are already sharing a small bedroom. I know many, many people have much more difficult circumstances that I do, and I shouldn't be complaining at all, but it's got me this morning and I just can't climb out of it until I spill it all out on here.
Maybe if I could make some actual progress with this place, you know - put up curtains and my cute PartyLite things - maybe I could fall in love with it a little... but I'm too sick to even do the laundry. I can't make any progress on this place. So, it is still just a few blank white walls with too much junk and no where to put all of our stuff. While others I know are graduating college and painting walls with cute sayings and baby things...
Ok seriously. This is getting far too whiney and obnoxious, even for me! I'm all for venting, but I'm turning into a cry baby about stupid, material stuff. I should just get up and get some dishes done.
Does anyone else ever feel like they are blessed but everyone else appears to be more blessed? Have you ever found it hard to see people your same age with much more than you? I should just go read the scriptures or something, lol. I know the answers are in there... and the answers don't include more stuff, but a change in attitude...
End of rant.
7 comments:
Oh Aubrey...there's so much I wish I could say, but it would make for a novel length comment. All I can say is that I know EXACTLY how you feel. I know I'm blessed far more than I deserve. But I'm constantly green with envy over other people's situations, since they seem to be more put together than mine. It's hard, I know. And even though I'm not pregnant anymore, I lust over pictures of beautiful nurseries, just like you. You're my favorite! Muah!
Thank you for your comment this morning. I understand completely with this post - obviously.
The sad thing is, we used some of our tax return money to finish a nursery...and we could have used that money now, on something else.
Life happens and everyone's financial situations are different.
I also agree with the one car thing - I stay at home, all day, every day, because we only have one car. At first, it seemed to work because Tim worked out of town so often. But now that he is home working in the office more, we are really feeling the effects of only have one vehicle. I walk everywhere I want to go. That's not always easy!
I truly believe that things work out for the best. It takes time though - don't we know it. We've really had our good, prosperous times but they never seem to last - something always comes along. And then those bad things stick around a lot longer than the prosperous time! It happens and all we can do is have faith and trust that it will end.
You are truly blessed with a beautiful family. I've learned that's all that matters.
Thanks for posting this!
Pregnancy is a scary time. Suddenly you have a whole other life to be responsible for. I can see why looking at other people in what seems to be "better" circumstances (although I firmly believe "better" is objective) can weigh on you a little. BUT...God is not going to make you responsible for a little miracle and then refuse to give you the means to take care of him/her.
Craig lost his job about 3 weeks before London was due. I was hysterical. And at the time we were told she'd come early and to expect her at any second. I was hurt and upset and I didn't know what to expect. I had a good long cry, and good long talk with God and then I was at peace. Within no time Craig had got a new job. A MUCH better job. A job that would support us WITHOUT me having to return to work after London was born.
Sometimes we're in situations that, to us, seem less than satisfactory, but in actuality are just stepping stones to higher ground. Keep in mind there are people looking at you and feeling a bit green themselves.
Good perspectives here. Keep in mind, you guys never had great nurseries, I never shopped at Pottery Barn Kids and we all survived - in fact, in the grand scheme, we thrived - at least in what mattered most. And look what a great mom you turned out to be! You're entitled to a little whining and believe me the peace of mind that comes from living within your means has longer-lasting value than the "stuff."
Don't get me wrong - I've been there and I understand. You saw me the other night.... other houses....
I know how you feel. I think we all have things that we yearn for, but it's different for everyone.
We have an apartment with enough room for a kid or two, we just can't seem to fill it up. So, I yearn for a nursery too... just for a different reason.
I think we all compare ourselves too much. I wish we owned our home, that my husband was done with school, and all of that. But sometimes I forget how blessed we really are.
I know what you mean. We don't have a house; we're just renting (long-term) but renting still. We want to start having kids but Dan still has at least two years of school left. I envy the people who can have the leap of faith that everything will work out without lots of planning, but I'm just not that kind of a person.
We all have little jealousies, little things that we think we're the only one that is struggling with. I am glad that you were so honest about this.
I echo what Beckah said 100%.
I enjoyed reading this and love that you included the conflicted feelings we all have sometimes, knowing how blessed we are but feeling like we'd like to be blessed a little more.
Some of the people you know that have lots of cool stuff won't have it forever. We used to have what was a perfect house for me and cool stuff and we voluntarily left it for what's more important. You already have what's most important.
You're doing great! Keep up the good work. Try to remember to thoroughly enjoy these too-short years with your boys. Before you know it they'll be super old and you'll have to coerce them to talk to you!
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