I'm going to get this over with, so you all know I already know what you want to say:
"You have an excuse, you're pregnant!"
"It's ok, you'll lose the weight really fast!"
"Oh, shut up, Aubrey - if you're fat, I'm obese!"
....and/or the intense, judgmental glares you want to throw my way.
I KNOW I sound like a whiney jerk! But I am horrified, and no matter how "fat" YOU think you are, I am also struggling. Now that you know I know you are probably hating me, mind if I vent?
Here's how it started. I was 17 when I got pregnant with Joshua. I was as big as a house by the end, all the while people asking me, "Wow, you must be ready to pop! Are you about due?" To that I would respond, "No, but thanks for reminding me - I have about 4 months left. I just LOOK 9 months pregnant." After Josh was born, I started working full-time at JCPenney Catalog. Being on the phones all day kept me away from food, so I lost a bunch of weight - not really by choice. I returned to my pre-pregnancy WEIGHT (notice, I did not say SIZE) after about 8 months.
Then, 2 years later, I was working out all the time and dieting really successfully, until one day a miracle happened. I fit my butt into a size 4 jean. I'm not exaggerating, I was SURE I'd made it to heaven. I might have even been too small, honestly - Size 4 isn't exactly my dream size. I would totally be happy in a 7 or 6. Too small is ugly, if you ask me - a girl needs a butt and hips to be attractive (IMHO).
The very next day, when I woke up to put on my size 4 jeans for the second time, I realized I was pregnant. So very unfair.
I never returned to that size, and after a 9-month pregnancy of not being very sick, I was the size of a duplex. Still answering the same question: "No, I am not nine months pregnant. Yes, I know I look like I'm having multiples. Yes, I'm terrified of what is going to come out of me. Thank you very much."
After Asher was born, I breastfed like a freakin milk factory for that child. Every 15 minutes, all night long, like clockwork... On top of the breastfeeding aid to weight loss, I never got to eat because I was constantly pinned under a baby. On top of THAT, his nursery was up a set of steep stairs, which I climbed every 15 minutes all night long, the entire 17 months I nursed him.
Needless to say, I lost some weight. After the breastfeeding ended, I started to gain some weight back, so I started working out. Steve and I bought P90X, worked out for an hour and a half every single night, after going on a walk around the neighborhood with the kids. Then we bought bicycles and started to ride bikes around Abilene..... I got down to a size 5, and was feeling really good about myself.
I got lazy about exercise after a while, and eventually I made it back up into a size 9 jeans. Just as I was starting to work out again and committed to getting back down to my 5's... Pregnant.
4 months later, I'm being asked if I'm 6 or 7 months pregnant, if I'm having twins, etc... and I'm only 16 weeks along. And... apparently... a giant cow. With TWO pronounced, separate chins.
I could just die. While I know that being in a size 9 jeans is a lot of peoples' dream... and I sound like a whiney brat, I think what size you're HAPPY with is what really matters. I was not HAPPY in a size 9. I was self-conscious, and I struggle with self-esteem anyway... so LOOKING my best is my only way of battling the self-doubt I carry around. If I look good, I can feel good about myself.
I
DO
NOT
LOOK
GOOD.
After this baby is born, yes, I will work out like crazy. I will eat right and work hard and lose the weight, because that's what is important to me. It is entirely possible, and I will do it.
BUT
In the meantime...
I am trapped in this body that makes me want to hide in a hole until my baby is a year old. With two chins. By the time I've finished this 9-month baby-making adventure, I'll surely have 3. Three chins....
Oh, the horror.
11 comments:
Oh Aubrey, your post makes me cry. I totally know how you feel and I am not, nor have I ever been pregnant. But I fear your same thoughts and feelings if I do get pregnant before I lose my extra weight.
I have been told by my counselor and I know it's true that I will only lose the weight if I allow myself to. I have to love myself before the weight-loss is permanent. KNOWING that is true is the most frustrating thing in my life because KNOWING i prevent myself from being happy and at times not being able to figure out how to let it all go, creates such painful inner turmoil. It's hell!
I could tell you the truth, that you are beautiful - just the way you are, but you have a need to vent and feel the pain and figure it out yourself.
Just know that I know how you feel. If that helps at all. I enjoy your venting rants because I can relate to some degree :)
I feel your pain. Pregnancy was not kind to me. I blame my doctor because she wanted me to gain 35-40 pounds and I gained 30...But I gained 10 before that because she wanted me to gain 20 in order to keep a pregnancy - WHICH WASN'T EVEN THE PROBLEM. So while I blame my doctor...I was not happy during pregnancy with my weight gain.
Instead of getting a big belly - which I think are cute - I went wide. Really, really wide. I didn't look like myself. I had this small belly (Emerie was just over 6 lbs...so she was small) and this huge fat face, huge thighs, and huge arms.
Now, after the pregnancy, I STILL don't look like myself. I've lost all 40 pounds that I gained for the entire "doctor wants me to gain" thing...But I still look weird, imo. Breastfeeding is amazing, though. I don't know where I would be without it.
And now I feel like a horrible person because the thought of being pregnant again just makes me sick. I don't want to become that person I don't recognize again.
Anyways, I know it's not any consolation, but the pictures I've seen of you are great - you look good. And honestly, I think people are just mean and petty when they ask if you are having multiples or think you are really far along. Really, they probably know that you are small & not far along and just want to make you feel bad because THEY didn't look good during pregnancy.
Aubs,
I'm afraid you're going to turn into your Grandma Baker if you're not careful!
Obsessing about your weight is not mentally healthy. If you don't get a grip and stop obsessing about weight, you'll not only obsess about your weight, you'll start commenting on other people's weight because you'll start judging other people by their weight too. I think you know how irritating that can be . . . your grandmother has done it as long as I can remember . . . and it all started by her obsessing about her own weight.
You are NOT your weight. You are who you really are, independent of your weight. I'm not saying this to help you feel better about yourself . . . you don't have any real need to feel better about yourself . . . you're great just the way you are.
It is unnatural for anyone who has 2 (soon to be 3) kids to think that they can or should look like they did before they had those kids. No normal person looks the same after 3 kids. No normal person looks the same after that many years, whether they've had 3 kids or not.
CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. Unhappiness grows from focusing on the difference between what we want and what we have (or are). The older you get the greater and greater will be the difference between the "ideal" body and your actual body. Believe me, I know. I remember when I was a teenager, sitting with my best friend, watching an older guy who looked like I do now and saying to my friend, "Man, I am NEVER going to look like that!"
Luckily, I figured out what's really important in life when I was about your age and I didn't waste my life obsessing about the downhill slide that is normal and natural for EVERYONE as they age. Get a grip now . . . you'll be happier today and for the rest of your life.
Dad
Dad - My appearance is important to me, and I don't think that's unhealthy. I do see your point, and how it could turn into something negative if a person isn't careful, but I don't look at others and judge their weight. That's something people don't understand about me - when I say something I don't like about myself, I'm not looking at other people and judging the same in them. I get your point, though, and I do have a difficult time accepting that I am on a downward slide... I just want people to know my feelings about my own appearance don't translate into judgment about others'.
I know you don't presently talk about other people's weight (or anything else about them either) I just wanted to remind you about someone who obsesses about weight and, hopefully, that example will help you to keep from getting too obsessive. :) I hope you know I only comment because I care about you.
Dad
I like your writing/venting/feelings. Your talent is showing here, even your ability to laugh a little at your double chin - you were looking DOWN by the way... It's your blog and you can whine if you want to... also, it's therapeutic; I don't care what anyone says. Only a writer understands this.
I totally know how you feel. Everyone asked me if I was having twins and looked as if I were ready to pop when I was 6 months pregnant. Why do people say things like this I will never know. I think you are absolutely beautiful! Honestly!! Gorgeous!
i don't have much to say on the weight thing - my guess is i'll fluctuate just like you do. but you do have the ability to work it off so be thankful for that! some people's metabolism SUCKS and they can never get their body back! so anyway, i read your comment on crystalyn's blog and i HAVE wanted to be you so SHUT UP! seriously - you have no idea all the qualities you have that many people (myself included) want to possess. you rock and you need to get that through your head! i'm super jealous of your awesomeness, originality, and how you are so pretty so chillaxy! :)
Just for the record - I sent you that picture because I thought it was so cute. And everybody has a double chin when they look down.
Aubrey you are awesome. I can totally relate to you on the weight thing, and I hate when people say that I'm tiny and to shut up. It's just that we know we've gained weight since having babies and it's hard to look and feel different. I try really hard to not care about my weight, but truth is I hate myself everyday for it. I guess you just have to find a balance so it doesn't consume your life.
I've been cleaning out bins trying to actually throw stuff away instead of keeping everything (I'm such a pack rat!). And what I pulled out this morning should at least make you smile...a small container of "Happy Sprinkles" from you in Jr. High. While it totally gives my extreme need to de-junk away, it made me laugh. Sounds like you could use some. :) I haven't yet experienced all the joys of pregnancy but the more I hear about it, the less cute the babies I hold seem to be! (J/K, they're always cute).
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