I am compiling an ever-growing list of facts about pregnancy that just might serve as a very useful tool for my childless friends! Or a nice reminder for those who are already parents. :)
- In case you ever wanted to pluck your eyebrows three times a day, pregnancy is your chance! Your regularly-annoying hair growth will be tripled - not to mention the fun, fun, fun other places you'll find that you never knew could grow hair.
- Skin changes. Your new skin will do all sorts of screwy things. MY new skin (for example) sunburns in about 2 seconds flat, which is about 10 minutes faster than normal, and breaks out in rashes if just about anything touches it (i.e. shaving cream, lotion, facial cleanser, etc.)
- Rashes that cover your entire body, lasting for months and only disappearing after delivery. Itchless rash? You wish. You'll be begging for chicken pox.
- Acne worse than your middle school years. Oh, you were one of those freaks with perfect skin in middle school? Picture this guy:
- Exhaustion comparable to marathon running if you ever need to use a flight of stairs or walking more than one block. You'll have the lung capacity of a chain smoker. Ever felt like someone was standing on your chest, crushing your lungs? Yeah, it's like that. All the time.
- You will be unable to reach your knees, let alone shave your legs or put your own socks on! And FORGET picking things up that you drop. Once they're down, they're down for good.
- Appetite - unsatisfiable.
- Thirst - unquenchable.
- Stomach space of a gastric bypass patient. You'll have the pleasure of having to eat every 15 minutes because you can't fit more than 5 bites of food in your stomach at a time. That's due to your stomach being squished like a whoopie cushion by your baby.
- Dizziness every time you stand up from a sitting position or when you first wake up in the morning. Oh, and some of the lucky ones even pass out occassionally.
- Flatulence. Honeymoon period: OVER.
- Incontinence - better hope no one makes you laugh or sneeze!
- Burps and belches like a teenage boy. Seriously. I don't care HOW proper you are, you are destined for this if you find a plus sign on the little stick!
- Dignity? Gone. Pants that go up to your boobs, waddling like a duck just to get from point A to point B, your husband laughing every time you bend over to get something off the floor and end up grunting like a pirate while you try to get back up. (You, not the husband.)
- Fat - EVERYWHERE! Double chin? Try triple chin. Back fat. Fat rolls in places you never knew fat rolls could exist.
- That tiny baby inside you doesn't feel so tiny. Besides feeling like you're carrying around a bowling ball in front of you with nothing to support your stomach but your weak stomach muscles, he is a STRONG kick-boxer! Kicking every organ you have in there (lungs are the most fun! Knocks the wind right outta ya!) and even getting a little foot stuck up in your ribs a few times.
- And for the REALLY lucky ones... puking at the sight (or smell) of just about ANYTHING. For me it was getting anywhere near my kitchen at all. Well, that and just about everything else that had a smell...
11 comments:
That pretty much sums it up, and yet...how quickly we forget!
hahahahhaha aubrey! im laughing cuz i went through all the same stuff! LOL. sheesh, im sure glad i have my kids ,buts man oh man...i do not miss being pregnant!
hang in there chicky. you're a trooper! and thanks for the laugh.....
K, love this post and laughed all the way through it. It was totally funny--but when I'm in your spot I may not think it is so funny when its happening to me. Needless to say, I hope I can have your humor when that time comes :)
The only complaint I had with Kenlee was heartburn and legs cramps. Thanks for the info...no more kids for me...ha, ha, not your fault, don't worry!
That list makes me not want to have a baby, I am not sure I could do all of that and be able to be happy, it makes me wonder, why some women love to be pregnant at all.
I love your post - at least as good as 'The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy'! So true, so true. Maybe next time you could write about why it's worth it to experience all that. And another post could be how men could never possible relate to having to have all those problems at the same time - and still have to do all the stuff we usually do (you know, because one of those things causes most men to veg on the couch). And then you could write about how we lose our dignity COMPLETELY in delivery, especially if you have problems because then they practically announce over the hospital PA that anyone who's curious should hurry in and see what's going on. Room 424 - you're not going to miss this one. Oh yah, and how after deliver your husband (who used to think you were sexy) gets to see your skin and other stuff hang from your bones and has to walk you to the bathroom and maybe even help you sit down on the toilet! Talk about a loss of dignity. Anyway, here's some ideas just to keep you going. Thanks for the laughs. I'm so glad I'm not pregnant right now. Oh yah, you might want to add something about never being able to sleep and peeing all the time and sweating like a pig - even if it's December.
Its so weird cause I had a not so easy pregnancy and yet I am dying for another one. I guess that's the Lord's way of reproducing.... making us women forget all the horrible stuff we went through!
I LOVED reading this list. I love when other women admit that pregnancy isn't always magical. However, I've found that making these list only marginally helps people understand what you are going through. Allow me to elaborate: People read these lists (myself included) and for some reason it is interpreted as a "to-do" list. Like once you've experienced the symptom for a little while, you're done- check!! What they fail to realize is that you have not written yourself a pregnancy "to-do" list. These aren't tasks that you've accomplished, but rather, these are painful states of existence. The symptoms of pregnancy are constant, continuous, and seemingly never-ending. And everyday I tell myslef "I'm not so sure I can do this for another x-weeks" But I keep going through it, not because I am tough, because I don't have a choice. I really can't make it stop. My aunt said my favorite thing ever "Pregnancy makes you want to die. But you keep living, not because you choose to, because you just can't die." And that's what I have to remind myself everytime I read someone's pregnancy list. You are amazing. What you are going through is insane and incomprehensible. Don't forget how wonderful you are for choosing to be a mother!
Are we thinking the same thoughts today? Are our energies going out into the vast universe and sending back words of hormone tales?
I posted along the same lines today. Girl, how you been?
Darci, you are so right! That's exactly how people seem to see it - like it's a checklist - like you experience one symptom at a time. When really you experience them all, piled on top of each other, for months at a time... by the end there are so many symptoms you think you're probably just dying.
But you just.can't.die.
lol Oh, how I hate being pregnant. :) Good thing this baby is on its way!
Oh, and Nat, the only reason I didn't mention the peeing all the time, etc., is because I left out the most obvious things... but I shouldn't have because they are some of the most annoying ones!!!
You're still beautiful though and I'll consider adopting :) JK
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