Something to Cheer Me Up

My Amanda came to Utah! I am heartbroken that I didn't think to grab a camera and get a picture with her when she came by to see me this morning... we don't have any pictures together since we were 16!

Amanda was my first and best friend when I moved to a new city in the 5th grade. We moved from a large city to a small town in the "country" (or at least it felt that way to me), and I was horrified by the change. I spent all my time wondering why my parents hated me enough to take me to the middle of no where and stick me in traditional school with a bunch of people I'd never met before and couldn't possibly relate to. (To make matters worse, my mom made me wear a jumper on the first day... not to mention the unfortunate stretch pants + oversize T-shirt incidents that followed.) I was miserable, and I didn't see any reason to pretend otherwise. My entire time at school that year was spent moping and complaining under my breath about the embarrassing place my parents had exiled me to. Needless to say, my attitude didn't win me a lot of friends. (Ok, only three the entire year.)

One of my first days at school, I sat alone moping at recess when I met this tall, gorgeous girl with strawberry blonde hair and the sunniest personality I'd ever seen. She glowed without meaning to. She smiled like there wasn't a thing in the world to be worried about, and talked to me like she didn't even notice my bad attitude. Most of the time, I'm repelled by overly joyful people... it just doesn't fit my cynical outlook. Something about this girl and the way she reached out to be my friend just worked for me, and I can honestly say I have only met two people since that day that I have ever felt so close to.

I spent as much time as possible with Amanda, day in and day out if I could manage it, and I would have been happy to do that forever. Except one day her mom decided to move her family to Arizona, and I thought the world was ending again. I met new people after that and eventually got close to a couple of them, but the world definitely felt darker to me after Amanda took her sun to the desert.

I remember hours and hours at Amanda's house, sitting on the window ledge blaring music, singing and dancing. I remember her sister Jen so clearly she might as well be my own sister. I remember flying for the first time by myself to Arizona to see them, and having the best week of my life staying at their house watching re-runs of Doogie Howser and Dawson's Creek, and even braving the swimming pool once in the 112-degree heat. I remember starting Junior High without her, wondering if I was ever going to survive it, and thinking of her every time I felt all alone. I remember writing countless letters and jumping up and down when I received a reply in that handwriting with the perfectly rounded a's and hearts to dot the i's.

I remember AOL... instant messaging her, talking all about her day and her life and whatever boy she was interested in or I was. I remember Jennifer's 17th birthday party, when Amanda came to Utah for the last time to see me. I remember writing the e-mail to tell her that at 17 I was going to have a baby. I remember her reply.

And then I remember nothing.

I remember feeling like the nothing stretched out forever, and wondering if I would ever hear from her or see her again. I remember wondering what I'd done, or if I'd done anything at all... I remember the feeling that I would find her again someday, and we would be friends just like we always were.

I found my Amanda, after years of searching the Internet for an address or phone number, facebook or myspace account that matched her name. At one point I found someone with her full name on facebook... but it wasn't her. I found her brother about a year ago on myspace, sent him a message beggging him to give her my contact information - knowing full well I sounded like a creepy stalker.

None of that nothingness matters anymore, because I found her and she came to Utah this week, and I got to see her again. After 7 years, I got to see my Amanda again, and she's exactly as I remember her. Glowing, free-spirited and energizing. After she left my house this morning to drive back home to Arizona, I felt lighter than I have felt in months. Maybe even a year. I felt like at least ONE thing went right for me in this world, even if it was just for an hour in my living room one Sunday morning.

I'm so sad I don't have a picture of us to post. Next time she comes to Utah, or I end up in Arizona for some reason, there will be a camera to prove it. :)

I know I sound a bit like a psycho stalker, but there are just some people who come into your life and you can't let go. There are some people who light up your path so well that everything seems too dim when they leave. There are some people who are so wonderful just for being who they are that they are worth a lifetime of searching for.