Kids in bed, husband gone, alone in my living room watching Dawson's Creek.
Having no internet to blog, I picked up my notebook and started writing.
July 24, 2009
The only thing in my life that hasn't fallen to pieces is my kids. So why can't I find happiness simply in them? My sisters are happy with their families being their whole lives. Is it because they have great relationships? Or do they just understand the world better than I do? Why do I still feel like just because no one calls or texts and asks me to hang out, and my husband is too busy to hang out with me, I am a complete and total, useless loser?I still have these two gorgeous boys who love me unconditionally (for now), who want more than anything to be with me and play with me... and in the meantime, I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself because I'm alone and fat and sad all the time... I'm a terrible mother, and I'm always wasting the most crutial time I have with my children whle I'm busy being selfish. I think so much about how much my relationship sucks and how there's a baby coming and it's scary, but I forget that these are the only few years I have left being my kids' whole world. It will be over SO SOON. Josh is 6 1/2 years old! He's got 2, maybe 3 more years of loving ME the most. And Asher is so independent I'll be lucky if I get his adoration for even that long.
I've got the rest of my life to figure out who I am and what to do about my issues. For now, at least I have THEM. I should feel grateful that they still want to stay home and hang out with me on a Friday night!
All this wasted time, being so frustrated if I have to stay home on a weekend... When my kids will so soon not even want to be home with me anymore. I've been so ungrateful.
*Please note that when I wrote this I was in the throes of hormone-induced depression, and there's no need to be concerned that I'm in danger or anything. I go through more ups and downs every day than most people go through in a month! Some of that is because of my lifelong blessing of being bipolar/add, but mostly it's just yet another joy of pregnancy!
Although the feelings that initiated this were a bit extreme and circumstantial, the result is very real and means a lot to me. I am making a change and choosing to appreciate the time I have at home - even though I feel like I spend WAYYYYYYY too much time here - with my children, because when they don't want me around all the time anymore, it will be the hardest thing I ever have to go through.
I never planned to have children. When I was growing up I was convinced that I would be happiest with no kids of my own, marrying later in life, and concentrating mostly on a career of my own. Clearly, my entire plan has changed. I am so glad I was a stupid teenager who didn't choose birth control, because otherwise I don't think I ever would have found out that I love being a mother. I might have actually followed through with my plan to be childless and selfish forever! While I do not in ANY way promote teenagers becoming parents, I acknowledge that when they do it is entirely possible to turn that experience into something beautiful.
This is what my life is now - three children, a challenging marriage, and no career or education (yet). This is my detour, and I intend to enjoy it.
3 comments:
I enjoyed reading your post. You're wise to appreciate the time you have with your kids right now. I feel that this is a conscious choice that people can make to be more content with where they are right now. However, I've never not had a car to drive, so I can't say I fully understand the amount of time you have to stay at home. I'd recommend taking advantage of the nice weather and go on lots of walks. Of course, you'll have to go at 8:00 a.m. or you'll get too hot! Good luck!
This is really a great post. It's great that you have a solid resolve and are going to work towards a goal - that's all you can do is try!!!
Aubrey, I love how open and honest you are, and I appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts and feelings. So many times I've read one of your posts and then sat here in awe with the ability you have to make me ponder about the various topics at hand.
I love this post because it reminds me how important it is to see those seemingly stumbling blocks as something more...something beautiful. We all go through difficult times, and I completely agree that attitude is everything.
You should write a book. {Seriously.} I'd buy it!!!
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